Headless

What the hell am I doing?

nickybw — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 21:38:10 +0000

I cry myself to sleep everynight. I dream and wish for the night that I die. Is this living? Any tiny spark, any tiny smile , my husband reels me in, the jerking live, oh so alive fish, then squashs any spark of life out of me. So no smiles, no laughs, no me. I snap at the kids, that’s not me and that’s not who I want to be. He left at my request, the weight was lifted off my chest but my babies they were so confused, so sad, so I asked him to come back. Then I tried to make our marriage real. Then he said let’s co-parent as I no longer want or love you, my heart broke in two but I agreed and tried for the kids sake. Then I tried to leave, the kids literally held me back and begged me to stay. I did and tried again.
But each small smile gets smashed, like broken glass, crushed beneath his heels. Is it me? Help, this is not living , it’s a living death

In da club-at 43?!

nickybw — Sun, 12 Jun 2011 06:59:28 +0000

Firstly I still like clubbing but I think my version of clubbing(last time with all ages including 20 somethings) is different, I love dancing, so back to back zumba or dance classes or clubbing all come under the same category to me. I don’t mind leaving the club early, I have kids and more noisily lately my miserable dogs.I’m a morning person so although I hung out with friends last night and ok my head is pounding from too much vodka,I’m up early doing my thing. My child was with me(occupied by playstation and kinect), he was the only child there as everyone was in their 20′s but I found their jobs and lives interesting, from my more mature, further in the future point of view(I also worryingly feel quite maternal sometimes, LOL)
We no longer like shots, we like martinis, and good wine. Shots are for getting drunk fast. We now earned the right to drink good liquor!
I don’t feel old, I feel better able to make decisions and say I’m 43 and I’ll do what I damm well please, that was hard earnedSo bring on the age, I am looking forward to it.I intend to still be dancing at 90. PS hot water and lemon in the morning,taking off all your makeup at night and using night cream if you haven’t passed out is now essential :.(

Writing for an educated mass

nickybw — Sun, 29 May 2011 09:45:43 +0000

I realise when I write for a certain newspaper I

1. reasearch extensively

2. write all the facts

3. jazz it up , make it funny, dumb it down.

4 rewrite remembering that not everyone reading it is a moron.LOL

Drowning in shit

nickybw — Wed, 13 Apr 2011 06:16:47 +0000

I sit on the toilet,there’s shit on the lid,bowl,everywhere. I go for a shower,there’s small fibrous suspicious brown bits. The floor is dirty,the dishes are piled high.

Good party the day before huh?

Nope. Life as in the only female in an all male household, one diagnosed as severely autistic,one workaholic searching for the next big break and two others that don’t give a shit.

I’ve been diagnosed with clinical depression. At my first counseling session the counselor said she’d be depressed if she had my life. Hummm.

I’m truly not sure if I’m depressed or just fed up of being surrounded by shit.

Alcohol and Haagen Daz

nickybw — Sat, 26 Mar 2011 10:25:03 +0000

To forget his presence or smile and pretend everything’s ok I use Sauvignon or Chardonnay and excellent ice-cream. The result is a wobbling large pale flaccid stomach that jiggles when I walk. Not good.
So overweight and faking it. Add that to waiting for him to suddenly lose it and blame me for his life and punishing me if I stand up for myself and I see that humans create their own hell on earth.
I still don’t know what the answer is. Do you?

Acid corrosion

nickybw — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 16:02:31 +0000

How do I get a healthy relationship? The one I have is amazing to the outside world but is literally acid burning my insides to me. I look jealously at loving couples laughing and looking into each others eyes, I cry when I see couples holding hands.

This is not me.

Well it wasn’t me but it is me now and that’s horrible.

I have to stop the corrosion or there will be nothing left. But how, how?

Road to writing

nickybw — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 10:47:26 +0000

The road to writing is long & winding for the majority.
You think write your novel,after years of stopping & starting, you develop the disipline of daily writing & editing. 2y later it’s complete. Ok, the round of agents & publishers begin. Rejection after rejection.
A year later you decide to shelf novel 1 and start novel 2 & 3.
Hopefully they’ll be better & I’ll reach somewhere.

Consequences

nickybw — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 13:12:16 +0000

Yep. They’re always consequences. Neglect, carelessness…. It doesn’t mean you’re laid back. It means you’re lazy. When you keep applying that to every aspect of your life, it’s a bit like the house of straw. It’ll blow down when the wolfs at the door. What do you do if you’re trying to build your house of bricks & you chose a building partner that keeps using straw?
Hold hands whilst the wolf eats the whole family or take your family to safety & leave the lazy pig to get eaten?
Or is there another way?

Frustration

nickybw — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 11:29:28 +0000

I’ve spent hours and hours in front of this bloody computer. Files sent are mysteriously empty.Stuff to upload, won’t upload.

Normally all this could have been done in 10minutes.

You know what, God is trying to tell me something.The sun is shining, the sky is blue for a change.If I don’t get the house, that sucks, but no one died.

If I don’t get an agent, that too sucks and I’ll be poor forever, but again , no one died.

Going in search of sun and cake!

Old school or new fool?

nickybw — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 12:10:16 +0000

Old school=every last penny so my kids can have the best education money can buy; a constant pain in my gut; living with someone who doesn’t smile or laugh. EVER. But is a good person. Hanging in there.
New stupid=running & running and never looking back; dancing in the rain;working yet saving; holding hands;smiling; being me

Still working out which equation works. Or maybe I’m just getting the sums wrong?