Avocat-waterfall 49. More years, less fear.

I can remember the exact moment at Rosebush reservoir in Wales (see waterfall 43), Christmas 2019, when I realised, paralysed by fear, I was unable to move forward literally and metaphorically. 

It’s taken a while to unburden myself of my self-imposed load, and I thoroughly recommend this freedom, because otherwise you’re just stuck in one place, slowly waiting to die. 

I have chosen to live.

Freedom tastes good!

My first big hurdle was letting go of my identity as a veterinary surgeon. 

Not easy. I had decided to be a vet at 4 years old, and my entire school, long university life, and postgraduate training were aimed at this goal. Decades in the business were the only thing I knew.

In addition, I had more to lose—being a doctor gave me automatic entry into areas that were and are not always welcoming to Black women. 

How could I give that up?

Then there was the universal language. In any situation, everyone can talk about animals, whether hatred, adoration, or more often, requesting free advice. I talk a lot with people I’m comfortable with, so it’s not immediately obvious that I’m shy. Timid in social situations, being a vet was how I easily broke the ice. No panic to find the right words.

This hike to Avocat Falls in Trinidad marked the first time no one knew of my veterinary past— and I didn’t miss the crutch. 

Too often I’ve heard the cry, ‘what am I without my career?’

Simply me. And that’s enough.

As I walked through lush shades of green protection from the overhead tropical sun I saw the arrowed sign and my spirits lifted. I was so happy to be there. I had released another shackle—standing up for myself, doing what I needed, and wanted, to fill my cup of happiness.

I have taken a lot of crap over the years, from family, past acquaintances, and at work. As a line in one of my children’s novels goes, ‘bottling up the fizz makes bottled up grumpiness and it comes out as a mess.’

Oh yes, I’m a full-time writer now— breaking chains gives you the freedom to be who you want to be, but more about that another time.

Setting boundaries when you’ve let people walk all over you comes with inevitable pushback.

‘What’s got into you.’

‘You’re bossy.’

‘You must stay by my side and not have a life.’

‘You don’t love me.’

I dreaded and feared those comments for years, but I now realise, it’s not me who doesn’t love you, it’s you who doesn’t love me. You don’t want the best for me. The empowered me who took many years to believe in herself.

And then there was the fear I wasn’t good enough.

Wow. I had given myself a heavy load to carry.

Previously I would have picked the most difficult waterfall hike to prove I could do it. Free of such idiocy this time, I chose an easy, enjoyable hike.

When you stop beating yourself up it’s amazing how good life feels.

The road to Avocat is filled with back-breaking crater-like potholes(and yes I see the metaphor). On arrival, park at ‘The Ranch,’ (every Trini has a side hustle, and parking in someone’s front yard is a no brainer, I admire the initiative), drink a little water, and set off through the green, cool forest, followed by the owner’s dogs, or in local terms, Pothounds. Watch and learn. They’re not trying to make life harder for themselves.

Wet doggy joy

Wade through the Marianne River, (water-shoes make the journey more enjoyable) along a narrow path aided by a rope, and a mere 30 minutes later, a thunderous noise tells you what’s around the corner. 

Tip: Avoid the hike to the pool at the top of the falls unless you like living on the edge, literally, the supporting rope is long gone. 

As I pause and soak it all in, my eyes are drawn repeatedly to a tree on the left. It appears to hang, magically suspended in the air, with only the most tenuous, delicate grip on towering rocks. I feel a pull, a link, and awed respect. I have pulled up my roots, from my ‘suitable’ career. You know, the lawyer, doctor, accountant choices handed to us by our immigrant ancestors, that they understandably clung to for security.

I exhale and resume my journey, carefully crossing slippery moss-covered rocks until I reach my destination.

The water was fabulous

I swim to the falls and sit underneath, a slab of black rock a natural seat. The power of the waterfall massages my skin and dissolves all tension.

To think I had nearly let fear allow me to miss out on this life-giving green, dotted with giant blue Emperor butterflies that must be seen to be believed.

The power of a waterfall

My grin has the unawareness of a child.

I believe everyone smiles under a waterfall, you can’t help it and soon everyone is laughing, talking, sharing. This is what makes life worth living. I feel lighter as I get older and it’s a delightful feeling.

Waterfall 46. Changing seasons, changing relationships.

July in Kilkenny, Ireland. I dip my toes into waters flowing from the aptly named Poll An Easa which translates to pool of the waterfall or bathing place, and feel at peace, bathed in the warm Irish welcome from my husband’s family and the many shades of green I see in the Emerald Isle that is Ireland.

Stop for a minute, look at the waterfall, relax and just breathe.

Poll An Easa (English name Poulanessy)

Fast forward to October in Surrey and back to reality. As winter approaches I wish I could bottle that waterfall feeling and douse myself liberally in it. I dread the onset of winter. Some love winter. They run hot and welcome the lower temperatures.

I suffer from SAD(seasonal affective disorder) , a depression triggered by the onset of the colder months. Thankfully there is more awareness now, so I and others can take steps to cope with the condition.

I also get cold easily. I have cold hands and feet-and no it’s not because I lived in the Caribbean(eye roll) or have Caribbean parents(bigger eye roll). If I had a pound for the number of times I’ve heard that. I have spent more of my life in Devon and don’t crave daily cider and walk round with a straw in my mouth. Stereotypes are both insulting and infuriating.

I digress, where were we? Ah yes, did I recall that wonderful waterfall feeling? Did I enjoy the last flourish of summer, birdsong, easy clothing, and the lazy drone of lawnmowers followed by the delicious scent of cut grass.

No. Instead I was a total grump, comatose on the sofa, mourning the last days of warmth. I was not good company. I had convinced myself that the UK was heading for a dark, permanent abyss of an ice age.

I have a vivid imagination.

The trouble with anticipating terrible things(I believe the term is catastrophising ) is you don’t enjoy the present. I was throwing away family time, sunshine time. Seeing life through a filtered lens that allowed me only to see doom. What a waste.

Finally I got up off the sofa. I walked, swam (I 100% recommend cold water swimming) and after a couple of days I began to see things more clearly.

I saw that I can be ok. But, others pulled me back towards the darkness and I painfully accepted another life lesson.

I can’t fix everyone. And sometimes unhappy people lash out.

They don’t want to see you happy when they’re insecure, sad or just hating their life. That’s a hard fact to accept, especially if you care about that person. They stand on the shores in the dark, lashing out at all around them.

When that happens-and this advice may be controversial-I urge you to kick off your shoes and run into the water. No, not to drown yourself, but to splash, breathe deeply and fill your cup. We all know you can’t pour from an empty cup, although too often we try to.

Then and only then, can you take their hand in yours and help them take the first steps towards a better place.

And sometimes you have to accept the painful truth that you can’t help them, and sometimes you even need to burn that bridge for your own good.

Well, that’s enough adulting for today. I’m off to recall that waterfall feeling but also to live in and enjoy the present. Have a wonderful day. Grab life with both hands and jump in feet first.

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Waterfall 45-girl, you just don’t know me

Hi. Unbelievably we’re still in lockdown and so, I’m even more grateful for the miles of empty local terrain to explore.

Lockdown has increased everyone’s stress levels and nature has been an important escape valve for me and many others. Just reviewing these pictures brings my heart rate down and tension escapes with every exhalation.

With my cup of stress as full as I can cope with, lockdown has also made me less tolerant of negativity and mean-spiritedness.

The actress and comedian Rebel Wilson struck a chord when she recently said she hasn’t changed, but she’s treated differently due to her weight loss. Their perception changed, not her.

I totally get it, because I too haven’t changed, but I shed some fake tolerance. Those who think I’ve changed never knew me, they had a particular perception.

PS thank you Jesus, shedding that load feels awesome.

Honestly, their behaviour meant they weren’t worth the true me. Why waste their time and mine? Before lockdown I gravitated towards people who were good for my soul and I still do.

I’m even more grateful for the good people in my life when we have lost so many during this pandemic.

I never know where I’m going to find my next waterfall or what adventures it’ll bring. Follow me as I continue this journey.

RIP Roy, Leonard and Michelle

Waterfall 48. From Changi to Spring cleaning

I took a break last year in Singapore. There I reconnected with nature, good food( hawker markets are my new happy place), danced the night away, and found myself again.

My favourite thirst quencher

Yep, this is how Singapore does airport food

Hawker markets-the foodie destination

Look up !

Changi airport waterfall

We even spent an entire blissful day in an airport. I never thought I’d say that in a sentence. An airport with a waterfall, a wedding, and a Michelin star. Changi Airport is incomparable.

But weeks and months post-holiday I found I was struggling to write. My brain constantly whirring. My body in a permanent state of stress.

I struggled to sleep. Couldn’t concentrate. Crammed my brain with unnecessary thoughts, emotions and attachments that did not serve me. As I saw buds poke through the winter ground and flowers start to open, Spring cleaning came to mind. A good clear-out always refreshes and lifts me. Could I apply that to myself and not just my home?

Yes, that was it. I needed a mind Spring clean.

I challenge myself and you to do it. Imagine how good you’ll you feel afterwards.

Go on, pause, then take deep, cleansing breathes. In deeply, out slowly. Make that space. Do what works for you.

Leave space to be filled with flowers, happiness and positivity or whatever serves you. It won’t happen if you’re already full up.

For me, I’m switching off my phone for long periods to help that process. I cannot tell you how good it felt when I saw the screen go dark. Bliss.

I’m also reconnecting with nature, my old and trusted friend. Today I’ll head to my overgrown, bramble filled garden and make space for flowers to come through. As the days lengthen let’s all make that walk outside a little longer. Meanwhile the stars are always there, making the darkness sparkle.

Onwards and upwards, see you at the next waterfall.

Agent rejection

The sun’ll come out tomorrow. So you gotta hang on ‘til tomorrow.

I wrote for acceptance. Ironic when there is so much rejection involved.

I wrote so that the person who never kissed my grazed knee and instead told me I was stupid for falling, would admire me.

I wrote so the teenager who spat in my drink to impress her friends would love me.

I wrote for the agent I got to know over six months. I liked her. I changed the book I believed in to one I thought she would believe in. In the end it didn’t make her body ‘hum.’

I got her rejection after a really shit day at work.

I cried on my husband and I cried on my cat-both very tolerant shoulders.

I saw that a woman lost her husband of over 70 years( RIP Prince Philip). I’ve got to prioritise what matters.

Today is a new day. The sun determinedly rises above grey clouds.

Today my mother rang the bell for her last day of radiation treatment.

Today my son got the all clear from his consultant.

My three sons give the fiercest hugs.

And there are good things on the horizon that I’m currently sworn to secrecy about that make others happy and therefore me. 🤫

I’ve already started making choices that work for me instead of doing what’s expected, what pleases others. It’s frightening, but I’m looking after my physical and mental health.

I’m looking forward to it being a familiar and guilt free feeling.

I breathe so I write, even if it’s just for me.

May the sun shine on you today 🤗💋

Background song for today: Come Alive(Craig David version) I can’t go back to the world that I was living in ’cause I’m dreaming with my eyes wide open.

Waterfall 44-what lockdown has meant and why I am less fearful

 

Lockdown has been death.

We lost my father-in-law to the pandemic.

Lockdown has meant being physically apart from my immunosuppressed son for the longest period since his birth.

Lockdown meant hugging my eldest son through a plastic sheet.

Waterfall 44. Chelwood Vachery

But the silver lining-and Lord knows there has to be one-is I am no longer the frightened person in my previous blog post.

I was badly injured at my previous job. Despite the lack of trained support staff and appropriate equipment, I let fear keep me there.

Walking away was the beginning of letting go of my fear.

I left and attained my dream of being a university lecturer.

Then the pandemic hit and having to assess what really mattered erased the last remnants of fear.

I have let go of having to be a certain person, at a certain place in my career. I am making choices based on quality of life and the safety of my family and myself.

I have finally realised I have nothing to prove. I can turn down jobs. We can survive on less. I am choosing life and living over work.

Don’t get me wrong, like many others I occasionally doubt my decisions but, after years of ignoring that inner voice, which shouted so loudly, in dreams, nightmares and illness, I am listening and it feels great.

The hidden water gardens of Chelwood Vachery are where I discovered waterfall 44.

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Waterfalls 38-42. Finding my joy:part two

As per my last post, I have been considering my decisions in life and asking myself if they give me joy.

I lost two of my dogs this year.  My over sixteen Labrador, his arthritis no longer bearable, went a while ago. Recently, and unexpectedly we lost my beloved Briard, my heart wrapped in fur, over twelve with a splenic tumour that had spread to her lungs.

So, I was left with a naughty eight year old Dalmation. Amazingly, on her own, she became the model dog, well-behaved, not climbing on the furniture and life was easy.

But, everywhere I looked I saw my Briard, I could not get over the loss. Other Briard owners recommended getting another Briard, not a replacement, but, in their experience, it would help ease the grief.

Everything was in place, I was due to collect two Briard boys. As I looked at their pictures, it didn’t feel right.  I felt I was trying to replace my beautiful, gorgeous furball. I worried about the feelings of the puppies owner then, remembered my promise to myself. The decision should give me joy. I cancelled the collection.

Then, I came across a video  of Leonburgers and Briards playing in a field. The Leonburger breed was known to me and I felt as if Dinky was smiling. My autistic son said he would like a big, big dog. That sealed the deal.

I looked at pictures and one jumped out at me, his eyes looked into mine from the photo as if we had known each other for years.  According to Google maps he was 7 hours drive away. He was ready to be collected and there were others that wanted him. I had a party to host. I had guests all weekend. We had no free weekdays. Damm, this was impossible.

But the decision felt so right. I hosted the party, had a fabulous time aided by friends and family. Then, my husband and I got in the car and he drove until we needed to sleep.

We pulled into a layby and to the sound of rain on the car roof, outside pitch black, having only a vague idea of where we were, we fell asleep in seconds.

We woke to the sound of water, it was still raining, but the noise was louder than that. Unbeknownst to us, we had fallen asleep within minutes of Swallow Falls in Betws-y-Coed.

The rain continued to pour, swelling the rivers as we headed to Capel Curig.

 

  There were waterfalls on our left, no hiking required. I couldn’t believe it.

And more there on our right. At this point I had to get out. I was already soaked. The water was crisp, cold and fresh. The sheep were convinced I was insane, tramping up the side of waterfalls in the rain.

We drove on to  and made several stops within Beddgelert-Nant Gwynant.  

As the words carved in the stone here in Snowdonia National Park say, this is one of Britain’s breathing spaces.  One could cry with happiness at the vast expanses of wilderness, green and water. 

Previously I made all my decisions based on worry and financial concerns. This didn’t fix anything, it didn’t make things right. Considering my decisions and assessing if they give me joy, may not be practical, but hell, in the second half of my life, why not give it a shot. It really feels great.

Waiting for me, the son of a rescue, my new furbaby is helping heal my heart. In a few weeks I will also collect a Lurcher rescue. I have a feeling my Briard is smiling from across the rainbow bridge, she knows I have a lot of love to give.

Waterfall 37. Finding my joy: part one

We are taking my mother on a family day trip to France for her birthday. I don’t expect smooth sailing, my mother does not always demonstrate a relaxed, maternal attitude towards her children(I appreciate she may do towards others). Kudos to her in that she is happy with who she is, she has her strengths and her weaknesses and doesn’t plan on changing. I love her and miss her when her visits end, no family is perfect.

But, that’s not the point and, it’s taken me this many years to get that. To be kind to others, to be able to put one foot in front of the other, I’ve got to be kind to myself.  I tread so gently in order to spare other’s feelings that I end up resenting that person, myself and feeling beyond unhappy as well. It is up to me to state what I can and cannot tolerate, it is up to me to set my own boundaries.

I am exhausted, I’ve had a lot on recently.  We pull over in an area called Équihen-Plage. My son, coped up for too long, heads off,  leaping from rock to rock like a mountain goat as we freeze at the cliff top. Buffeted by strong winds and frozen from a combination of cold and acrophobia, I am about to seek shelter in the car when my son returns excitedly with his news of a waterfall.

He’s right- a small tributary falls down the cliffside and, once away from the cliff edge , I find easily traversable stairs down to a wild and unspoilt cove.

Buoyed up, we continue our French birthday trip. We find a delightful brasserie for lunch, Planète Océan in Étaples, and discover a new favourite wine.

After lunch, I suggest we find an old building or museum to add a shot of culture to round off the journey. We google the nearest place and find the Château-Museé, a medieval fortress in Boulogne-sur-mer. As we park, my mother turns to my husband, and says, “I apologise for my daughter, making you divert to here.” She is not joking and this is not the first, nor will it be the last time she is critical but, wait, there is a silver lining. Just like the unexpected joy of finding a waterfall, I am again surprised and happy.

Happy and feeling loved at my husband’s calm and dignified response and joy because in a wonderful day I finally refused to let one comment destroy my mood. Yep, I was that person- if there were fifty nine seconds of positivity, I’d let the one second of negativity from someone else, colour the entire minute, day, week even. It felt good to stop being that person.

Later, in Pointe aux Oies, my son and I clambered over slippery, green, seaweed-covered stones, feeling under dark and mysterious overhangs in the rock pools and digging into the gritty sand to collect large mussels for dinner. As we watched the kite surfers, my mother comfortable in a camping chair, my husband asleep on the beach, the sun came out and life felt fabulous.

I had been saying yes to too many projects, trying to please everyone, letting worry guide my decision making. Exhaustion and stress helped me change direction. Just as I would not let someone’s negativity colour my life, I would think before I made a decision, I would ask myself if my answer gave me joy.

And that decision is how I found the next three waterfalls.

Waterfalls 滝 35-36, priorities in Japan .

We land in Tokyo, a brief stay followed by an even briefer visit to Hakone before travelling on to Kyoto.

We could have chased waterfalls at each stop, after all Japan has some of the most beautiful in the world. But, on day one as my husband and I argued over the days itinerary, there followed a too worn rut of me feeling unheard and shutting myself off and, him trying to be kind but, losing his temper and refusing to participate in the family outing. The wake up call was my youngest, in a corner trying to shut out the quarrelling. I was ashamed of us. I needed to get my priorities straight.

We are here to spend rare down time with our able children, without having to care for a much loved son and sibling who requires round the clock care, to observe my children as they navigate early adulthood, already on the path to new experiences ,new partners and new lives.

Sometimes though, when you remove stress, everything else floods out unexpectedly and not necessarily in a harmonious way.

The next day my eldest and I chat, one on one over breakfast. Talking with him clears my head and makes me so proud of the man he is becoming.

My husband and I talk and decide to not hike out of the city in search of waterfalls. We opt for more relaxation and family based activities.

In Kyoto we visit Kiyomizudera Temple or the Pure Water Temple, founded on the site of Otowa Waterfall. I am happy as I watch my children browse the stalls on the way up to the temple and chat together. They live at opposite sides of the country now so they’ve a lot of catching up to do.

We climb many steps to a giant wooden building, constructed with no nails and offering a breathtaking view of the city of Kyoto. It is huge and awe inspiring. I remove my shoes and quietly walk amongst those paying homage. Despite the many visitors, the building feels peaceful and reverential. Before I leave the area, I light an incense stick and am silent remembering my ancestors; spending a few moments in quiet contemplation as the aromatic smoke surrounds me, before wending its way upwards.

We write our worries on doll shaped paper near the Jishu shrine and watch as they dissolve in a bucket of water; the theory being that as they dissolve those troubles disappear.

We make our way down to the Otowa waterfall which is divides into three streams.

These streams bring you success in academia, romance or longevity, depending on which you drink from. I fill the ladle(it’s Japan so each ladle is immediately sterilised after use) wash both hands before transferring water to my cupped hand and sipping-never drink from the ladle. Traditionally you should rinse your mouth and spit the water out next to the area and similarly dispose of any remaining water in the ladle, but at this shrine one is instructed to drink the water.

I drink from one only, as drinking from all three is considered greedy and drinking from two will half your good fortune.

It’s a good day. We are all sorry to leave Kyoto.

We return to Tokyo, the last day before we fly back to the UK.

We explore Nanushi-no-Taki park in Oji ,literally translated as waterfalls of the village headman or lord, as it was once a private garden the Hatano family shared with the people. Today it is now a public park where we see the odd person meditating on large rocks in the silent surroundings.

The giant flat rocks, the dark green leaves and silence really do insulate you from the city’s bustle and noise.

In the past this hillside had four waterfalls but, as the city sprang up around it the natural waterfall no longer exists and instead water is sometimes pumped to create the four falls. Sadly for us, the eight metre drop and all the other falls are only a trickle today but, the area so green, lush and peaceful, is a complete escape that’s still worth a visit. My youngest and I cross wooden bridges, climb ancient steep stone steps and balance on large rocks. I enjoy the cocoon like feeling this park creates. It feels like it’s just us. [There are some impressive mosquitoes though which my husband and eldest didn’t escape-the tip is to keep moving to avoid them]. .

Some time later, to announce the imminent closure of the park, the warden suddenly plays Auld Lang Syne on hidden speakers. It was one of the more surreal experiences in my life. I have video of the surprised and hilarious reaction from my husband but I’ll be kind and not post it. I’ll just watch it every time I need a laugh.

My Japanese waterfall experiences were certainly different from any others so far, both in appearance and sentiment. Reverential, funny and peaceful all come to mind.

I realise that whatever we do or say as a family, it all comes from a place of love, not negativity;that my children can,from time to time, be wiser than me; and that they still, just occasionally need their mum.

Arigatou gozaimashita Japan

Waterfall 34. What’s in a walk.

What’s in a walk?

Why do you go for a walk?

Dog? Exercise? In this case my husband Mark was at his wits end as autism contributed to our son freaking out at:

A. The cleaning lady being in the house

B. The dog being in the garden instead of inside where he wanted her to stay

C. His things being touched

So, he and our son went for a very long walk. It worked, they were muddy and happy, my son was calm and, they unexpectedly found a waterfall. In Sussex!

Mark couldn’t wait to show it to me. So we returned at a later date , just the two of us and the dog.

It was a bit cloudy, a slight chill in the air, perfect conditions for a brisk walk.

Instead of seeing the plants, the view, and noting the wonderful smells, I thought about how my knee and back ached as I walked along a wide path.

Ellie(our Dalmation) took in the view, sniffed everything and bounded around like a lamb in a field on a sunny day.

Mark excitedly led me off the path. I didn’t embrace the sense of adventure, I complained about leaving the well trodden path, I complained about the prickly gorse bushes.

As we walked further and further, I worried about the time-would it be too dark to see, was everything ok at work. Like a child I asked several times, ‘are we nearly there?’

Do you see the irony? I’m worrying about being good enough at work, about pleasing others whilst not giving my full attention to the person at my side, or embracing my surroundings-I believe the current term is mindfulness.

As Ellie tore up and down inclines, I unconsciously focused on her and then couldn’t help but smile at her overwhelming joy.

When we live in the moment, laugh, enjoy, we too will unconsciously draw others into that happy moment.

Venting, sharing a burden, that’s ok, it’s healthy and helpful but complaining is different. You know the difference because the latter only brings you and everyone around you down.

Let go, allow yourself to be happy by just enjoying the moment.

And just like that, there’s a sharp drop and a small hidden waterfall. Number 34.

Down in this little grotto, the water fell amongst many shades of green-sheets of pointed leaves, shiny, waxy holly leaves, and spongy dark moss all set against a backdrop of glowing red-orange rock and soft black damp patches.

I sat a while as the last rays of sun warmed my face and made the walls of the grotto glow.

As Ellie joined in, I was finally in the moment.

On the way back I noticed the crunchy bracken underfoot, the bizarre coconut-vanilla smell of the bright yellow gorse flowers and the vista of never-ending hills making up the horizon.

So what’s in a walk? I guess like life, it’s what you put into it and what you choose to make of it. Once I took the time to stop, breath and notice, the same environment that seemed so hostile before, appeared completely different. And wow, was it beautiful.

The next time I complain I’ll try to remember waterfall 34, and take a deep breath, notice those who love me and take note of what’s wonderful around me.

Stay with me on my journey of 50 waterfalls.